I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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