Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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