oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
