U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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