The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
