she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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