i was born a porn star she said
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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