Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
