Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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