You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
