Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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