I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
