Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
