HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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