in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
