She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
