my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
