I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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