I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
