I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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