I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
