I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
