I want to make a zoo with you.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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