I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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