Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
