She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
