seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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