Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I can't turn off my feet"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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