do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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