Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Randomize
