i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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