booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
