He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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