You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
