her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
