Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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