there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
