So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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