It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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