My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
