I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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