Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
