I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
