I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
it glows. i had to have it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
