lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
