Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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