You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
