so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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