Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I will be naked everywhere
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
