I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
