I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
